It's Not Easy Being Green - the right way!
by CheatingAtMonkeyBall
Summary: I rewrote 3x16 because I'm mad at the world. Crack but I'm still mad. Swan Queen.


_In which I rewrite "It's Not Easy Being Green" because I'm pissed._

After burying Neal in the forest the magical band of misfits finds themselves back at Granny's Cafe (cuz there's literally nowhere else to meet). "Okay, gang," Hook and Charming say at the same time because every story needs a powerful man to be the leader and we're on the flux as to which one's the actual leader right now, "what are we going to do about this Wicked Witch?"

"More like Wicked BITCH!" Regina calls from a seat at the bar. Emma oooooo's accordingly. The two mom's high five.

Just then said bitch struts into Granny's Cafe like she owns the place and waltzes right up to Regina. Granny mumbles something about them being over carrying capacity with so many double life characters in her fucking cafe. She just wanted to own a nice little breakfast nook. Regina studies the redhead that was being way too sexy in front of Emma. "Speak of the devil."

"I'm not the devil; I'm the Wicked Witch," Zelena hisses because she finds it awfully important to remind everyone every time she talks that she is in fact the Wicked Witch usually through a series of bad cliches.

"More like Wicked BITCH!" Emma calls out this time. Regina oooooo's accordingly, and once again the two mom's high five.

Zelena glares at the blonde then smiles falsely at the Evil Queen (wise name choice seeing as that one is harder to make cheap shots at). "Hey, lil sis, I challenge you. To a magical duel! Winner gets Storybrooke."

From a booth next to Hook Henry shouts, "What is this a cheerleading turf war?" Hook ooooo's accordingly and high fives the little man. Because this show is obviously going to have heterosexual romance shoved down our throats therefore the least they can do is have the male love interest interact with the female love interest's son. (Meanwhile Henry pities the one handed man cuz his mom is super fucking gay. Which mom? Yes.)

Regina looks at the witch in disbelief. "What makes you think you're gonna beat me? This is my town." Yeah, total cheerleading turf war.

"Rumple sure thinks so," at this we pan to Belle cuz even at the mere mention of the male love interest the female love interest has to be shown for at least five seconds. Or a flashback. It all depends on the mood. It's simply too dramatic for a flashback right now.

"Well, my mom thinks the Evil Queen's gonna win!" Henry stands up from the booth.

"Which one?" All in the cast singsong.

"What?" Henry looks confused. Oh yeah the whole other spell thing. How did this show get a second season? Or a third? What?

Zelena scoffs. "Enough of these distractions. Regina you better effing be there." (she can't say fuck because it's American television.)

With that the Wicked Witch struts right back out of Granny's Cafe, and the entire cast heaves a collective sigh of relief. For a split second we show Regina's confident bitchy persona fade into a look of anguish and desperation. Emma steps closer to her and grabs her hand (BECAUSE IF HETEROSEXUALITY IS GOING TO BE SHOVED DOWN MY THROAT ON TELEVISION I'M GONNA SHOVE SWAN QUEEN UP YOUR ASS IN THIS FANFIC) "Hey, babe, you okay?"

"Why are you calling me babe when I'm totally older than you and technically with all this fairytale mumbo jumbo I'm kind of your grandmother too which makes this ship super weird, but we're both hot so it doesn't matter." Regina questioned the blonde.

Emma rolled her eyes at her Evil Queen. "It's cute; deal with it. Are you okay?"

"No," Regina pouted and looked at the door the witch had just exited, "I'm scared, Emmy." Yes she calls her Emmy this is my story get off it.

"You know," Henry pops up out of nowhere, "You don't actually have to go fight her. You, Emma, and I can just skip town and run away and never look back at this crazy fairytale world."

"Henry, what?" Emma looks at her son confusedly.

Henry shrugs and puts his arms around both his mothers. "I don't care about any of these idiots. I just want my mommys to be happy. Why do you think I worked my butt off in the first season to make Emma believe in this whole spell thing. I was building the sexual tension between you two. What, did you think I would just have two mothers that don't live together but see each other practically every minute of every day for the rest of my life?"

The two women blink at the small boy. Regina looks at Emma, "You know he has a point."

"Which one? The skipping town or the sexual tension?" Emma looks at her which then proceeds to be another one of their stare-at-each-other-forever moments.

Regina shrugs, "Well, both. They're kinda related. Yeah, but fuck the Wicked Witch and fuck Storybrooke! And fuck this entire fucked up fairytale!"

"Yeah!" Emma shouts taking a stance facing Regina, "And FUCK heteronormativity!" With that an explosion of rainbow spews from the ceiling. Suddenly Henry is riding a motorbike with his two mothers passionately making love on the back. They drive away until the screen fades to black.

(Insert end credits here)


End file.
